(eX)GEN Files # 2...Mx

Pepper and I agreed when we set up this blog that we weren't going to turn it into some Chick Lit moan on the trials and tribulations of being suddenly single in our mid-late 30s...To be honest there is enough of that sort of slightly miserable, 'share the pain then bitch, moan and workshop it' material out there!! However, I'm feeling a bit philosophical today so I'm kicking off with a general prologue to my very special collection of (eX)GEN Files that will follow...

I found this quote the other day and I realised it sums my feelings up rather perfectly "We are all the paths we walked, and everything we loved". I have approached my adult life as a bit of a romantic comedy adventure movie. I embrace the romantic idealist and optimist in me, and inevitably this leads to abandoning all logic and reason in pursuit of giddy endorphin highs, great love(s) and relationships less ordinary...I figure it all works out in the movies, however random the plot, so why not in my life too ;-)??!!

When I think back, it was always highly improbable that I would settle down early or forever. I never actually dreamed of stability - a husband, kids and a white picket fence - and consistently said that getting married was something I'd do after 35 (I say smiling wryly at the irony of how things actually ended up). I was very committed to exploring the world and my own limits, and 18-28 were great years of being rather selfish but absolutely true to who I was!! Along the way I had fantastic experiences with people who all in part shaped who I am now...for that reason I look back at my (eX)GEN files without (much) regret. I had amazing highs which made the devastating lows predictable but slightly more bearable...I realise now that in most cases it was mainly bitter disappointment, ego blows and an unhealthy dose of (catholic) guilt, more than "true love lost", that made me so unhappy... Oh! and lets face it I do love to indulge the drama queen!!!

Interestingly enough it was the 10 years when I was at my most un-original that were the most detrimental to me...I realise now 27-37 I was very uncomfortable with where I was, the path I was on and what I was trying to be in order to satisfy my (and others) need for comfort and the traditional cues to a 'real' and valuable life. I was very hard on myself and subconsciously felt I should be apologising for being so frivolous, self indulgent and free of commitment for so long. To cut a long story short, this ultimately manifested itself in me trying twice (spectacularly unsuccessfully) to turn myself into suburban working housewife...almost 10 years of my life got sucked up by agitation, disillusion and general weirdness. I woke up almost every day feeling like I was having an out of body experience...Very disconcerting! The reasons why I ended up there?? Suffice to say I had become my own evil avatar lost in Second Life!! One day not too long ago I REALLY woke up and decided I needed to rejoin my body and get the hell off the ride I was on before I got too sick!

I realise now, reviewing the (eX)GEN Files, that I have actually been very lucky. I have had 3.5 Great Loves so far...I married none of them and all are still in my life in some capacity...they all gave me a huge part of themselves to help me on my journey and provided me with much love, intimacy, excitement, adventure, passion, amusement and (very important) cuddles...they all ended up pretty spectacular in their own right and though they are all mad eXGEN men who have their failings and asshole moments I will no doubt love them and all of their shit forever!

I have a load of brilliant and fond memories of all the men who I've fallen for in many different and crazy ways (some for reasons I am still not able to explain???!!). I can honestly say I have made some spectacularly BAD choices but only have regrets about the time that was wasted in trying to mould stuff into someone else's idea of 'right'. If nothing else the (eX)GENs have given me great material to put on this blog...THANK GOD!!

Mx