"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing" Helen Keller.
The universe is sending me a lot of great quotes lately...just throwing them in my path randomly where I can't ignore them. They really strike a chord, sum up some of my deepest feelings and reflect the 'me' that I often deny or at least try very hard to contain. Being a follower of opportunity and a believer in destiny, I have decided that these quotes are 'signposts' leading me back to my true self (ref: getting off the out of body experience ride I talked about in a previous blog).
Today's quote is one is of my favourite so far...about half of my life has passed and (like Pepper) I've been spending a lot of time lately reflecting on my life so far - my achievements and failures, the value I've added to others and the world, the importance of what I am doing, the superficiality and futility of a lot of choices I have made, where my true passions lie, what do I really want out of this and where I go from here etc. I have stopped judging my life on the basis of what others have (achieved rather than physically own) but still in my mind and heart I haven't done nearly enough, or even as much as I could have. I quite like my life and have had some amazing times, yet deep down I am intensely dissatisfied with myself.
I am driven as much by boredom as anything else and this tends to make my life quite fractured and fragmented. There is a lot of 'stuff' going on and bits and pieces in my life, but I realise much of it lacks the depth I really need to sustain me long-term. I am constantly living in my head 2 steps away from where I am physically and can't settle or focus, which is quite detrimental to forward progression and 'building'. On the other hand I fear settling too much and missing all the other adventures out there...I don't crave a stable suburban existence with the comforts it brings but I am far from being a loner and need (sometimes a lot) of human interaction and intimacy, I hate being mediocre and aspire to greatness yet along the way there has always been something, a slight niggle of fear or doubt perhaps, that has held me back from achieving the life I imagined as a crazy kid.
I was having a coffee with a mentor (of sorts) a couple of months ago and he identified this 'gap' immediately just from our first and very general conversation..."You've got it all there, you have the imagination, ability and ambition, you want it badly enough, but you need to ask yourself why you are not doing what you should be and imagined you would" Mmmm apart from (note to self) not allowing myself to be that transparent in future his accurate summation really pulled me up in my tracks and made me draw in a very deep breath!
Since then I have been trying to put my finger on just what it is that is holding me back and why I am constantly dissatisfied within myself. I know it is all me not the fault of others, and I am actively rewinding my brain to a moment I can identify where I stopped believing on some subconscious level that I was going to have/create the sort of life I now see someone like Ange living (apart from the kids and Brad thing she is living MY life afterall...including getting to be Lara Croft along the way ggggrrrrrr!!)
Not saying anybodies' life is without it's dramas and crap or that there is ever and 'ideal' existence when it comes down to it but if I got to choose today a life mine could magically be morphed into it would be quite close to Anges (stop making faces at me Pepper!). I don't want to BE her, I'm just coveting certain aspects of her life!! Love her or loathe her she is definitely not boring, a free spirit, adventurous, slightly dark and crazy, perhaps very insecure and self absorbed but nevertheless I admire her for wearing her heart on her sleeve and throwing herself head long into a life less ordinary. Yep I need to find Ange and see if we can be friends!!
As I sit her now writing this blog I realise that perhaps the cause of my current dissatisfaction is that I cared too much about how my 'world' would judge me if I really let myself go and lived teetering on the edge. Or perhaps I have inherited more of the aversion to risk I see through most of my lineage than I care to admit...or maybe I'm just a typical eXGEN who launched myself out of the comfort zone at 17 without any planning or a map to guide my journey and just got horribly disorientated, lost and tired along the way??
At least right now I seem to have found a path out of the wilderness and can feel my second wind coming...fingers crossed!!
Mx
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