Travel light...

"If you are in love, don't use past experiences to guide your steps" Paul Coehlo...

I found this lovely quote this morning and it struck me again the extent to which our previous experiences shape our future behaviours and the choices we make.

It is a shame really that we cannot embark on each new journey in our life as if it were an entirely new book in a new genre, rather than the next chapter or part of some epic, tragic, never ending story. So many of us eXGENs seem to have lost our sense of optimism when it comes to personal relationships in particular and, as only about 50% of our life is over, I find this a terribly disappointing trend.

We all seem nervous, scared, confused, fraught and endlessly trying to predict the future outcomes of initial encounters based on various signs / milestones / markers that we failed to properly observe, take note of or act on previously...PHEW, tired already!! We assume that because the last person did something, believed something, changed, aged, chunked up and lost their mind along the way that the next will be the same. We judge our current relationship based on the particulars of the last, we listen to a lot of opinions, value calls and advice of others and try to apply what works for them to our own situation. We put rules and restrictions in place to protect ourselves from injury in the (apparently) inevitable "train smash" around the corner and tie ourselves up in knots analysing every tiny little thing that a person does or says to ensure that we are not being used, abused, manipulated, disrespected, trapped or worst of all having our time wasted!! Instead of focusing on living, loving and making the most of the time we've got with people, we prepare an endless check list of "very important stuff", we ask ourselves "what do I want, where is this heading and what's in it for me?", we wrap up in a thick layer of emotional buffer and wait until people screw up, disappoint, become boring and unattractive, stop making an effort etc. Overall it is not a very fun place to be I'd say...

I ask myself why we do this to ourselves?

At our age and stage most of us have experienced significant ups and downs in our personal lives and/or lived through it with our friends. If we were to analyse it in any depth we would probably discover that the ups have been mighty and prolific but, more often than not it's the negative and painful experiences alone we hold on to and carry forward into our future relationships. We become more a product of, and weighed down by, our heaviest baggage. Rather than taking a deep breath and forcing ourselves to believe that things can and will be different, we put the brakes on prematurely, close up shop and look to move onto the next thing before (God forbid) we suffer the pain and indignity of another (did I mention inevitable?) bust up. Ironically and despite our trepidation we often end up perpetuating the same scenarios over and over again.

No doubt relationships are taxing...we have to compromise for a start and we really HATE that at a very base level. People by nature are not perfect and the complexity of our lives often makes it difficult not to screw up royally from time to time. Even when we don't mean to and try really hard not to we hurt people massively and there are rarely second chances handed out (unless you want to suffer the fierce judgement of others!)...unfortunately there are no dress rehearsals for this stuff and we are forced to adjust and tweak and make scene and costume changes on the fly while trying to keep our 'show' on the road!

We have tried to talk ourselves into "forever" being the only suitable outcome to every beginning, and start to judge everything in stark black and white...I think in the process we've become very inflexible and hard on each other (OK so Pepper will tell you I have been way too flexible and taken a lot of crap and disrespect when I shouldn't have!). I don't mean we should be doormats or sacrifice ourselves to the maintenance off untenable situations, but I'm going to try and look at the whole concept of relationship(s) differently...of course much easier said than done!! Maybe some are just meant to be like casual jobs while others need sustained effort and building like careers...some are short and sweet like romantic mini breaks, some are epic like 6months trekking around Europe, some are extreme sport adventures. We don't expect, or try to force, many other things in our lives to last forever or stay exactly the same so why are we panicking about relationships??

I like the company of men...and I like the whole process of meeting, dating, having adventures, exploring romance and falling in love (sometimes). I don't NEED to be with someone and I don't at all hate being single (that is when I am at my most focused and productive), but at the same time I actually WANT to have connections in my life (I get bored OK!!). It may be a complete disaster but my current mission is simply to have amazing for as long as I can...and if I have to trade "forever" on the basis anything could happen tomorrow or the day after, then (I think) I'm OK with that.

Mx