"Welcome back honey, we've missed you!"

For this post I am casting my mind waaaayyyy back to when I first found myself unexpectedly single.

After sitting around for a bit in my underwear and ugg boots, waiting for someone to say "April Fool's!!" (but all the time knowing it was far too cold for April) I arose from the sofa, brushed the crumbs from my hair and decided I had to get amongst it.

First Odd Bod on the list was very odd indeed. Although so many oddities followed that I remember him mainly for being first cab off the rank, but secondly for some rather memorable anatomy...

Let me explain that I hadn't been single since I was 21, so a good 13 or 14 years. I was completely clueless, a lamb to the slaughter. I thought it would all be as easy as it was back then, when you just looked at a guy from across the room for a whole evening, and said "Omigod! Omigod!" over and over to your girlfriends, and by the end of the night you were magically locked at the lips and the pelvis. In fact I thought it would be easier. I thought it would be something like this - HIM: "Hey, you're cute. Let's get out of here, we're not getting any younger. Here's a photo of my yacht. Let's have babies." Reasonable, right??

So back to Mr Memorable Cos He Was First. He seemed very intelligent, witty, urbane. He was a little older than me, which was appealing, coming out of a long relationship with a man a little younger. And looking back he was also pretty creepy. Our first date was a late afternoon coffee. I was a bit tired and he absolutely rang rings around me and had me feeling like an adolescent. Whatever else, he was definitely a smartie.

After an hour of banter he wants me to sit on his lap.... In the cafe... I mean, why the hell would I?? Needless to say I did. Then there was a series of very odd questions. I vaguely remember something about my favourite marsupial (any sort of wallaby, if you're interested).

Okay, so now, somewhat embarrassed, I have to admit that yes, I did get intimate with this weirdy. A little too quickly. In partial defence, it was something that I guess I wanted to get over and done with, after so long with one person. But it is also something I habitually do. I also give too much money to charity, and I think the two are connected.

So, the wrappings came off. It was pretty spectacularly un-sensational. As well as very juvenile which came as a surprise. Another misconception bites the dust - I thought by now we were all going to be great in the sack! Nope. Anyway, next morning there was a quite a bit to ponder, but what I was NOT prepared for was the brief glimpse I had of his feet as they swung over the side of his lemon yellow sheets. Jesus wept!! I almost puked then and there! The knowledge that those hideous things had been in the bed with us! Not just in the bed but ATTACHED to one of us!! I can't begin to describe how gruesome they were! Okay, I'll try. Very, very, darkly hairy, almost hobbit hairy. But not hairy enough to hide the nails (or claws) which looked like he was growing them for some religious reason. They had that look, like blood had started to circulate in them. Any other foot-bit that wasn't hair or talon was grey, scaly, mildewy skin. Oh! Appalling! Everything was appalling! (except that he wrote on the side of his household cleaning sponges in texta - "bathroom" "kitchen" etc. I thought that was quite clever).

I have seen a lot of feet since that day but oh-so-happily nothing to compare with those heinous trotters. Did I see him again? 'Course! Though not for long - he dumped me for being too clingy. But in the spirit of naming the demon and destroying the fear, I name him "man who knows he is appalling in bed and so grabs what he can before the girl ceases to be polite". I have met your brothers, Demon. I know you now.

I never saw him again, and I never implemented his handy home hint. Nor shall I ever, ever forget those feet.